I desire to be at peace. I desire freedom from anger, freedom from hatred, freedom from death, pain and darkness. I desire fullness of love and abundant mercy to flow out of me like a wellspring of living water. Dear Lord, I want to be whole.
I want to be able to give from an infinite wellspring of life and abundance. This sort of giving is only possible through intimate communion with You.
But You are not all I desire.
Sweet Lord, I confess that I not only long for peace but for war. Although I long for peace and health and wholeness and compassion to fill the earth, my stomach churns with violence and anger. Despite outward actions leading towards peace, within a beast rages on.
How can I let go of my desire for vengeance for things past? How can I overcome the lust for violence residing deep within? Even though I have sworn never to give in to these cravings, the zombie within still exists.
So, how do I cope with her? How can we reside peaceably with one another inside the same mind, the same stomach, the same bowels? Do I wage war on myself? Is self-inflicted inner anguish the answer? Surely not! I cannot justify causing verbal or physical or sexual pain to another person or animal. Surely I ought not to do this to myself!
Wrestling or doing battle or waging war with the inner self -- these are images painted by the preachers and prophets throughout history. Spiritual warfare is the terminology employed by your apostles. But the more I come to know You, Beloved, I cannot help but to think that there is a gentler way.
Ah, Beloved, You are the Way.You are Love.
Your Way is love and truth and life.
Perfect love casts out fear.
I do not wish to fear myself, nor do I wish for anyone else to, either.
Beloved,
teach me Your perfect Way,
cleanse and prepare me for Your Truth,
let me dwell in Your pastures of life and lead others there, too. Amen.
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